tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51982271621221144042024-03-08T09:27:29.761-08:00My Bipolar LifeKaryndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-1183760454693709142011-07-22T14:52:00.000-07:002011-07-22T14:52:24.845-07:00I'm letting you knowYay! I now have some "leverage" so that I can now talk about my secret treaments that I have been getting from Dr. Awesome! I've been doing really well since my last spell and even in spite of some several stressful events that are going on in my life right now. One being, my house been WRECKED by some serious water damage and its been taking WAY too long for my insurance company and our restoration company to fix it. ( Just some advice, don't ever insure with a company that rhymes with Ranover and then hire "Relfor" to fix it :) Most days I wake up expecting to stay in bed and never get out. My house is just so out of control I am overwhelmed. Its just craziness! Not to mention I got a new puppy, a cute little lappy puppy. He's my little precious :) Awww. Anyway, he's freakin stressin me out too. So in spite of this and other crap going on, I am still functioning very well! And out of nowhere Dr. Saribalas calls me, (I thought it was because he really likes me as a friend and wanted to see how I was because I'm a major concern to him) and he mentions News Channel 10 doing a short segment on him and his TMS therapy and he wants me to be his patient interview. (So this was even better than the slight letdown I felt when it wasn't just a hello call:) He probably called me because he knew, first of all, that I'm not really that shy, and especially in front of camera's. But also because he knows that I have a tremendous outcome from the TMS and that I don't mind sharing it. So I agreed. And immediately sought after a tanning bed and manicurist. TMS is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Its a machine that sends STRONG magnetic impulses into the section of my brain that produces the dopamine and seratonin and other stuff and stimulates it to produce more. Its not painful, and it has no side effects, its just costly and I think the notion of it can scare people at first. I myself was a little embarassed about having to get "shocked" at first. Its kind of a sad situation in life to be in. Especially when it costs so much too. BUT. It has worked. It has worked so well that I have gotten me a glamorous part time job to help pay for TMS so I can continue on with it. So .......its out! So on maybe Tues the 26th on ch. 10 you will see Dr. Saribalas of the Saribalas Clinic and like probably 2 -5 seconds of me :) Okay maybe they'll give me more but we'll see!Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-24936917002543285462011-05-25T06:59:00.000-07:002011-05-25T06:59:19.174-07:00I'm back, this is why.....So.... NOW I know why I was being so mean to Brandon! Want to hear it? I mean, get ready. Shocker. Beginning phases of depressive episode. A huge one actually, it knocked my socks off. I mean, I was BEGGING for the hospital it was that bad. I think I now know that when I start getting "tired" of Brandon, that's a pretty good sign that I'm about ready to just leave the flock and get crazy so somebody better just do something if you don't want me to lose it completely :) I, of course, really had no idea that any of this was happening, I just thought again that I wasn't really cut out for marriage and well, blah blah blah. It was my reality, so it was what I thought was the truth. The Good news is that we caught this one in time and I was totally able to avoid the hospital and carry on w life as normal. Actually better than normal because I'm feeling pretty good as of late. What really sucks? Is that I was on my medication and everything and this still all happened to me. I didn't think that could happen. And that's what's not fair. I'm a good girl, I do everything I'm supposed, take my cocktail of drugs and slam.Still happens to me. Really sucks. And my new intensive therapy to treat this? Freakin expensive! But, it does work.........I'd explain it to you, but my Psychiatrist still and I are still negotiating rates so I can't advertise it for him for FREE (UNLESS YOU CUT ME A DEAL!!!) lol<br />
I guess this is why I haven't written on here in awhile. I've had a love/hate relationship with my BP. Mostly hate. I still don't understand any of it. I 've been exhausting myself reading about how to "get rid" of it. And I know that I should just really give it up. But I don't. Because it scares me so much. BP is such an illness that absolutely controls me more than I control it. I don't care what anybody has to say, if you don't have BP please do not comment or quote scripture to me here. It just simply controls me. So I just work myself to death trying to figure out all its "tricks" and read about anything I might of missed, maybe I'm possessed by a demon? Anyone got tickets to the next supernatural healer in town? <br />
Thank God things are good now. Exetremely happy, keeping busy which is CRUCIAL to my survival and continuing to look over my shoulder to see if I can catch a glance at the next "Bipolar-sode" coming to get me. Brandon says that Im always so negative....I say, I'm not negative, Im' just a realist. This is reality. You can't shade this baby with optimism. It doesn't come in that color.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-84662012350538580742011-03-31T05:49:00.000-07:002011-03-31T05:49:08.309-07:00ARM One Minute Video<iframe height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/PBFsqGzLa4A?fs=1" frameborder="0" width="425" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-55174132707403941492011-03-25T16:21:00.000-07:002011-03-25T16:21:19.075-07:00A lovely bout of Spring bluesSpring is finally here, and with it I was imagining the winter "blues" to be gone and sheer happiness to be blooming in my heart. So I am shocked to even be admitting to you that I am feeling a depression bout coming on. It seems to have appeared out of nowhere really but the symptoms are all there, and so the battle begins. Over the last few days I've required far more sleep, I've been way more forgetful, way too tearful and far more agitated with my husband and children than necessary. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I don't even know what I am guilty of? I just feel bad and guilty! Which is a terrible condition to be in as a Christian because that is like Satan's playground. I've just laid fresh mulch and set up a swirly slide in my brain for Satan! Thankfully, for the last few months, I've had far more intimacy with Christ than I've ever had in my life. And whether this is THE STORM he has been preparing me for or not, I feel like I am equipped. And during my "peace time" when I was doing so well I did not take one thing for granted. I praised God for every little thing good and bad, I worshiped Him, I soaked up His word, I followed after Him as well as I knew how. And now is no different, its just a little more challenging when you have to battle so many deceiving thoughts. SO MANY deceiving thoughts. According to all of my Bipolar books I'm supposed to journal, go to the gym, get enough sleep, stay out of seclusion, blah blah blah. I'm doing that, but the medical books always fail to mention the greatest aid to depression. Jesus. Say his name, sing his songs, say his words, follow his ways. I have yet to call my Doctor and I probably won't do it for a time. I've called on my Healer, and He is blessing me. So remember when I said that being bipolar has its advantages, and that I hear songs racing through my head all the time? I even know for a fact that the Holy Spirit speaks to me through these songs, if I pay attention to them. And this morning, I did. I had just gotten out of the shower and just laid on the floor in my towel, completely unmotivated to get dressed. I just sat there, picking at the carpet listening to my "song" in my head. After I while I realized what it was:<br />
"You are stronger, You are stronger,<br />
Sin is broken you have saved me<br />
It is written Christ is risen<br />
Jesus you are Lord of all"<br />
(Hillsong)<br />
<br />
And I thought, I AM stronger than THIS. And HE is stronger than THIS. Jesus, the power in that name alone, gives me great hope beyond what any anti-depressant can.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-64788691660392323832011-03-11T05:29:00.000-08:002011-03-12T17:35:36.074-08:00For my poor husbandSo things have been going swimmingly. Except for one little area. For some reason I am so mean to Brandon. I don't know why, I can't quite pinpoint it. And maybe I'm exxagerating just a bit, I just feel like I've been so mean to him. I have the most wonderful patience and get such joy out of my children and anyone else I encounter, but when Brandon walks through the door its just not happenin' for him. I feel like getting out my Bipolar books and reading them again, because I"ve talked with my therapist and she says that anger is really just fear. So what am I afraid of? I can't figure it out? I know that I've been experiencing a lot more back pain lately and on pain meds. So throw that in please for my defense. But why am I so cold to the person that loves me the most? I don't get it? I don't think that it really has anything to do with fear. Logically I think that because he's closest to me I just don't NEED to be patient and super nice (put on a show) and so I don't. Is that it? That's terrible though, who wants to married to somebody who gets the leftovers? Brandon has a hard life with me, lets just put it at that. He's said over and over that when God talks to him, He says, "Just LOVE her." And now I know why. Because God knows why I'm so difficult with Brandon and God is gently reminding Brandon to just love her, just love her, just love her. Don't forget, she's being a total jerk head, just love her. I hate saying that I can't wait to go see my therapist again but really its the truth. She just has a way of figuring things out for me. She has all the smarts behind my idiotic ways of saying and doing things. And for Brandon's poor sake, I'd really like to resolve whatever underlying "issue" there is. He doesn't deserve this. He's been with me, through thick and thin. Manic and depressed. Healthy and sick. Fat and thin. Blond and brunette. When I was walking with God and when I was walking away from Him. It's so hard to figure yourself out. Its even harder when you have an "illness" that could possibly be the cause of why you do things. But I'm not giving up. I'm just working it out. And I am so grateful that I don't have to work it out alone. GOD has the all the love and patience for me even when I don't have any to offer myself.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-29892508972775259942011-02-17T06:05:00.000-08:002011-02-17T06:05:19.587-08:00Too Much?I've got A LOT on my mind lately. I don't know if I try to keep myself busy because I just really enjoy doing things or if my busy brain just requires a constant feeding and forces me to continue to stir things up.Sometimes it all becomes a little overwhelming. Let me explain. My kids, are great. But having a ten year old is certainly a different experience and some of the changes in him are just so new to me that its sad knowing that he's getting older, and I can't hold on to his youth and now I'm panicking that I'm not being a good enough parent. So what did I do? I started emerging myself in parenting books and the bible and prayer. " I have to finish this book so I know what to do!" Oh, and I have a three year old that, honestly? That boy pushes my limits. I haven't found the right book for him yet. Then, its like I abruptly shifted the majority of my focus to Uganda. I have a project I'm doing over there and am in communication with some friends there and I've been very consumed with Uganda. Its soooo important to me. Again. Its like I've hyper-focused! And to top it all off, I have a brother who just recently experienced some serious trouble in his life, to the point where I am daily praying for him. So, am I maybe just overstressed a bit? Maybe. Part of me loves this much activity, because I'm going from one thing to another and then back again and for the most part....I'm handling it well. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle right? My brain just feels heavy! That's all! I think God also knows that I need "things' in my life. Things that will take my focus off of me. And that's what I have. So, always being in that mood to praise Him I now praise him for all of this that is consuming me. And with prayer I'm sure that it will not flatten my brain and that I will be able to take care of everything according to His Will.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-20128959822662597522011-02-08T11:23:00.000-08:002011-02-08T11:23:13.195-08:00What to write......Once again, I've come to a spot where I feel like I have nothing to write about. And this is only because I am doing so well. I shouldn't assume that you all only want to read about the "good stuff". You know, the dirty details about when I"m going psycho. :) Or maybe I'm wrong. Guess we'll see. I can tell how many people read my posts, you know.... My husband suggested that I do write about how well I'm doing. So I got to thinking. I'm actually doing better than I have EVER been. On medication and all. That is NOT a complete sentence but who cares. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to wake up like tomorrow morning. I've really been level, and not blah level but happy level. I love love love it. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar and was trying out the medications, I was blah level. And I thought, "Well, if this is as good as it gets, forget this!" And off on my own I went. Which luckily didn't effect my life too dramatically at first, but boy did it explode in my face later on. So when it was time to go back on the meds, I was reluctant. But wow! Not that the medication is like my happiness. Because its not. It is my glue. It keeps my cute little brain from going haywire and keeps my cute little body from leaving the country. My happiness comes from my more level-headed self being able to FOCUS again on what I know brings me joy. GOD. God is my joy, and the more I just pour myself and my disorder into Him the healthier and happier I get. So. I am so so grateful that Dr. Awesome and I have found the right drug cocktail to give me my life back, and an even better life at that. I'm even more grateful that I have a Savior who gives me grace every single day. Which is why you catch me smiling so much :)Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-36367803304262283562011-02-01T06:27:00.000-08:002011-02-01T06:27:31.147-08:00Comeback #1If you've been wondering how I've been doing lately, let me fill you in. I've been feeling really fantastic. I'm not sure what my brief symptoms of depression were but they are gone. It is such a relief too. I really hate it when I'm not feeling right. Its just not me, and it bothers me to the core. So, what caused this amazing turn around? Well, I can tell you what I've done. I've been reading a lot. One book being the bible. And I think God has honored that obedience and kept me from sinking deeper into depression. I also have been getting a full 8 hours of sleep each night, which definately helps. And I haven't been giving into "the thoughts". You know, those thoughts that you sometimes get that seem to drag you down. Well, I have racing thoughts and when they are negative, my brain seems to take a nose dive. I also called my doctor and stayed in contact with him, let him know how I was feeling. He upped my anti-depressant. But I know its not the increase of drug that is causing this sudden change. Medication like that doesn't effect you over night. There actually are other ways of battling this disease without medication. Now, when I go see Dr. Awesome this week I'm going to ask him to put me back on my regular dose. I think I jumped to the medication too quickly. I need to stop doing that. I'm such a druggie :) For now though, I'm happy to have my joy back.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-19849588188372637442011-01-25T06:37:00.000-08:002011-01-25T06:37:31.598-08:00Ahhhh....great.So I've been noticing some changes lately. I haven't been wanting to really update my blog, which I always love doing. I've just felt a little unmotivated and uninspired to do it. That's not really like me. And then I've been noticing some other changes as well, some subtle others not so much. So....back to the books. I've done more research. I came across mood swings and triggers that can provoke an oncoming episode of depression. What interested me were these changes such as: Changes in sex drive - CHECK. Changes in energy level - Check. Changes in alcohol use - Check (I'm actually on the band wagon right now....wish me luck). Changes in Sleep patterns - CHECK <br />
<br />
So here I am reading all this, filling out my survey getting quite afraid. I can actually see what's happening to me before it happens. I'm getting depressed. I don't feel depressed yet. My body is acting depressed, how long before my mind follows????? THis freaks me out, because over the summer during the times that I did get depressed there were times when I would just cry and moan uncontrollably. And I felt unsafe driving my own car because I just wanted to ram in into oncoming traffic or drive myself down to the Psych hospital. <br />
<br />
Needing some prayers, ya'll. I'm going to fight this tooth and nail. I'm equipped. I have God on my side, I have lots of tools that I never had before. I have a support group, I have a supportive husband, I'm on meds. But even being on meds, this can still happen. Just so ya'll know. I'm going to visit my doctor soon, maybe we can prevent a full on depression tornado from sweeping through here but either way, I'm just going to do what I know to do, think good thoughts, and take care of this all I can before it consumes me. <br />
And later today, I'm going to the gym to see if I can kick its a#s.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-4308529400386519332011-01-17T07:05:00.000-08:002011-01-17T07:16:17.797-08:00Some ResearchI've been thinking a lot lately about my condition and its status. What I mean is that here I am with this BP, and what am I supposed to do with it? I don't believe that anything that happens to us in life is an accident. Sickness, deaths, successess, failures.....God has this huge masterful plan that we can just never wrap our minds around. But I've been feeling a bit of relief lately by understanding a few facts about my disease. Obviously, I'm not the ONLY one suffering. They even have a support group at my church for BP disorder, how crazy is that? I am one of 5.7 million people who get to enjoy all that comes with BP. I've been doing some research. There are a lot of celebrities, that have this illness. I think that creativity and mental disorders tend to go hand in hand. Between our exetreme mood swings of mania to depression, our creativity just flows. Most the time, it goes no where. But, in others I think it helps sculpt success and huge contribution to our society. Those who have actually contributed: Vincent Van Gogh, Albert Einstein, Jane Pauley, Ben Stiller, Beethoven. And then there's me :) Oh well, I rest more easily knowing that BP disorder isn't just a destructive mental illness. Although I'd love to become the next worldwide embassador for Bipolar Awareness, that's not going to happen. So, I guess if I only just stay a 25 year old :) housewife in Columbus, OH for the rest of my life, that's good enough for me.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-89475784864406957272011-01-13T06:04:00.000-08:002011-01-13T06:04:50.803-08:00Happy Birthday to Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object height="266" id="BLOG_video-FAILED-0" class="BLOG_video_class" contentid="FAILED" width="320"></object></div>Okay, I give up. On downloading a video, that is. I've been trying for 4 stupid days. I hate technology. Well, my birthday was 4 days ago. And I shot a video about how just awesome, happy I am. Well, I'm not going to post that video anymore. My awesome happiness has been slightly shattered. As my birthday rolled around this year, I realized that I have friends that can hang with the bipolar, and some that can't. For the friends that can't, it really saddens me. I don't mean to push anyone away, or disappear or have any other kind of weird behaviors. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. Sometimes, it takes all my effort to just get through the day without breaking down, and that steals my focus. Other times, like right now, I'm doing so well, that I'm playing catch up with my kids and my husband, literally. I lost like 4 or 5 months with them this summer while I was manic. I'm like a new person now and I just want to be around them all the time. I guess I just don't know how to balance it all. I'm new at this. One thing for sure, weeks like this, I wish I never got sick. I'd certainly have more friends. <br />
For the friends that have stuck with me and have forgiven me for A LOT, you are amazing souls. I cherish you deeply. I need you more than words can say. And I hope I never do anything to screw our friendship up ! :) I can be me, be bipolar, be whatever and not have to excuse myself for anything. I love you all.<br />
So. Birthday week. Not so great. But at least I have a God that I can lean on, He'll never leave. If I lose everyone in the world, I'll always have Him, and THAT is what I learned this week.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-61925924168396336912011-01-03T06:43:00.000-08:002011-01-17T08:00:05.530-08:00New Years ResolutionI can't believe it is 2011 already. And I can't believe I actually made it through 2010. People with bipolar disorder have a 10-15% mortality rate. We tend to be highly suicidal. And trust me, it definately crossed my mind several times. All I can say is that God really does watch over me, and even though there were times that I really wanted to die, and was angry that I just couldn't, He kept me from harm, He knew my life here wasn't yet completed. That brings me to my New Years Resolution. I can look back at the last year and think of all the times that I prayed and prayed that God would just instantly heal me or get me out of trouble or make me feel good again. And although that never happened, He did stay with me He never let any true harm come to myself or my family for which I am truly grateful. So my New Years Resolution is to make God the center of my life (again). I used to have such a great relationship with Jesus. And then I became manic, and majorly sinned and thought that there was just no way that I could ever have that relationship back. Knowing now that that isn't true, I am trying now to "get back" to where I was. Its hard because I feel different, like a changed woman. And I feel bad because of all the terrible things I did when I was sick. But I know about God's capacity to love and forgive and that's what keeps me going. And my 2nd New Years Resolution is to be a jogger, because I tend to hate jogging, but the first one is more important :)Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-33356650637376136392010-12-28T12:11:00.000-08:002010-12-28T12:11:45.335-08:00Finding Joy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dzH6v8AGYQMFYTxFiZbRwGxHUh4icOr3ZNC-P8fD117WM6_NM71507nXdOOfmKOA0EZ7XaSZ_0LtwQY95solA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>I think sometimes that it is so unfair to my kids that I have bipolar disorder. Because I know that like, over this summer I was a TERRIBLE mother. TERRIBLE. And the sad thing is is that I really didn't even notice much or really even care. I was too caught up in what I was feeling and doing at the time. It was so destructive to our family. Thank god for Brandon the brickhouse. Anyway, now that I'm all regulated on my medication, I still struggle a lot with my kids. But deep down I find it a little enjoyable. Because I know that I can handle it. I know that I'm not going to hurt them. And I know that they know they can ( for now) depend on me to take care of them. And that brings me joy. So a thought came to me last night, as I have recently begun to feel myself get a little overwhelmed with this Christmas break and all the kiddos stuck inside, is this: I'm just going to smile my way through all the calamities that come my way. And trust me, there's a LOT of them. From the minute I get up until the minute Brandon gets home. And I say until he gets home because then he helps me deal with them and I don't have to do it all alone anymore. So I'm trying to paste this genuine/fake/wicked/ whatever you want to describe it as, smile on my face, and bear through it. And then, I can only pray that when the day comes that my medication no longer works, or my mania returns, I will remember this useful tool and it will keep me from becoming that TERRIBLE mother ever again.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-47616802267043338682010-12-26T12:18:00.000-08:002010-12-26T12:18:02.161-08:00Grieving my health<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dywnovJO_cT5CADUl8riM8w8DMGze-QMqWDxuNyoQ9BGb5pbmF4u9CsGQ-fvrBZ72cNmIG9GJaxQWNDOfXdSw' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">In addition to grieving for the loss of my health on occasion, I also have to grieve for other things, as well. Like, for example, over the summer we hosted a group of boys from Uganda. I became so close to these boys that I wanted to adopt them all as my own. I truly love them. I knew that it was my calling in life to one day go to Uganda on a missions trip and see them again. Well, meeting them was BEFORE the bipolar. Because now that I have bipolar, there is no way that I'd be able to fly across the world the see them. People with bipolar are very sensitive to sleep and stress disruption. So by messing up my time clock by a few hours let alone 7 or 8 would more than likely throw me into a manic episode. I'd like to say that they are worth the risk. I mean, they are. One day down the road, maybe I'll try it, who knows what God has planned for me. But I know that I'm not leaving this time zone any time soon. </div>Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-18040972570081786842010-12-23T06:36:00.000-08:002010-12-23T06:36:20.500-08:00A Merry ChristmasAs we near Christmas I have a bunch of different feelings about this holiday.See, two months ago I didn't even think my family would all be together. My bipolar had gotten so bad that I just didn't think that Brandon and I would make it. And now that Christmas day draws nearer, I'm overjoyed and grateful that everything has just worked out so wonderfully. We're all together, working things out and overall very happy. Again I have a wonderful husband who puts up with me. So, so grateful.<br />
I was watching old Christmas videos the other day. It really kind of bummed me out. There I was, the old me. Before the bipolar, before the medication, before all the mania that almost destroyed my life. I was so happy. I was so normal. I can NOT believe how my life was so abruptly turned upside down.<br />
I guess that doesn't really matter anymore. What does matter is that this year's Christmas video is just as good as the last. Bipolar and all.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-47176240619012346932010-12-21T06:32:00.000-08:002010-12-21T06:32:49.785-08:00Acne and AnorexiaSo people have actually asked me if I'm anorexic. As a result of my medication I've lost a considerable amount of weight. I used to weigh a healthy 137 lbs. I've lost 20. You do the math. So the weight loss at first was kind of awesome. All of a sudden I was shopping for size 3 jeans. But then I started getting asked if I was anorexic. Seriously. People asked me that. I then realized that I looked sick. This body I live in is not really me. Its the sick me. Oh, how I'd give anything to have the 137lb Karynda back. Because that would mean I was healthy again. But I would just like to say that when asked if I'm anorexic? I usually just painfully laugh it off and say no. But inside it hurts. WHat do you want me to say people? What I'd love to tell you is that I work out at the gym and diet, looks like YOU haven't been to the gym much???? But I dont! So, I try to "embrace" (theres that word again) this size 3 and wear things that I normally wouldn't be able to pull off like skinny jeans and short shorts, BECAUSE I CAN. Little things like that make me happy. I know I might get made fun of for being 30 years old dressing like a girl in her 20's but I don't have much that make me happy so give me this. <br />
And for the acne? Another lovely side effect that has recently come about. I used to laugh that the Proactive commercial with Justin Beiber in it. Guess who uses Proactive now? Although I must say its only been about 50% effective on this face. Its so frustrating because I used to have beautiful skin. Lets just say that I have a really hard time looking in the mirror lately. I hate hate hate bipolar medication. I know those who read this blog that are bipolar and on meds as well can relate. The side effects are horrendous. For those of you who read this blog and don't need medication to function daily in your lives, say a prayer of thanks to God. You are blessed.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-55286122403208645712010-12-17T06:29:00.000-08:002010-12-17T06:29:24.987-08:00A Tough Thing to EmbraceThere are days that I really struggle with this disease. There have been times that I have been very angry with God. I want to be the same person I was before this all started. I long to be that person again. I grieve for that person to come back. But as a mechanism to get through life, I've realized that I can't be angry. And I can't grieve. Because it is what it is. So I have to try to embrace it. Through the good times and bad I have to embrace bipolar disorder. While I was in my manic phase this summer I experienced some super crazy things. One was, I became exetremly obsessed with our military. I wanted to join. I was almost angry that I had kids and couldn't go and fight the war. I even figured I could at least join the National Gaurd, that would work? So the next best thing I found was working with actual veterans. And today I volunteer with Honorflights, raising money to send our WW2 veterans to Washington D.C to see the memorials. That appeases me. That is safe for me. And I love it. Another obsession I gained was with motorcycles. I wanted to buy on Sooooooo bad. And I still do. Luckily for me I have a loving husband who agrees that a motorcyle would be super awesome and when the finances allow for it, we can get one. Brandon sure did keep me safe this summer. I mean, there were times when I even told him that I wanted to leave him and didn't think I loved him anymore and he knew that was the disease talking and STILL stuck by me. Even today he's my greatest support. A lot of people with bipolar disorder end up in divorce and I can see why. I'm just so grateful for my guy. He seems to embrace the bipolar disorder too. And loves me in spite of it.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-85272331024434286842010-12-15T06:58:00.000-08:002010-12-15T06:58:26.291-08:00Racing ThoughtsSo I've never mentioned my racing thoughts. My mind races so fast that I can literally hear a song playing in my head and think a full thought at the same time. I swear that neither the song or the thought is interrupted. From the books I've read this supposedly is impossible. So I guess that just means that my neurons are firing at super speed. But I always have a soundtrack going on. And its always a dumb song. Like right now, its "Raindrops keep falling on my head". All while I'm typing this. Don't ask me how that song popped in my brain, I haven't even heard it in like years. Its an incredibly lame song, too. I think that's why I have a hard time learning stuff. Because in order to focus I have to drown out the songs and the thoughts and try to listen or read and retain. And that is really hard. I've never done well in school and this is probably why. That's my excuse at least, and I'm sticking to it. If I ever go back to school, I want some Aderall. <br />
I've also notice that because my brain works so fast, I feel like I need to be constantly stimulated. And when I'm not, it totally brings me down. I haven't been happy lately just being a stay at home mom. The daily routine of breakfast, cleaning, laundry, errands, just isn't enough to satisfy this brain of mine. I'd like to say that I want to go back to work, but then that's almost impossible finding a job that fits a schedule around my kids school. So I'm kind of stuck. I think I seriously wish there was a way to just SLOW my brain down. But then again. Would I be happy with that? After all these years of high-speed thinking and lovely background soundtracks racing through my head would I be happy with the silence? Blah. IDK, but I'd like to try. If anyone at least knows how to get this stupid Raindrops song out of my head, I for one, would be grateful :)Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-86223321722326765732010-12-12T09:10:00.000-08:002010-12-12T09:10:20.220-08:00Uh-Oh, I've done it againSo the other morning I sneezed. Not like a huge, monstrous disgusting sneeze. Just a normal cute one. But it caught me off gaurd and I guess my stomach muscles weren't ready for it or something because it caused something in my back to "pop". Which I immediately knew was a bad thing. Luckily, I also knew it wasn't too terribly bad but just bad enough to cause me some discomfort. Throughout the night and the following day the pain got worse, and I thought, " oh hell, there is no point in living like this." So I called my Neurologist who is another Dr. Awesome in my book, and he told me to go to Urgent care being that it was a weekend. So off I went. Honestly, I was kind of freaked out about this. Because all I wanted was some drugs. And I knew that I was going to have to fill out their forms and tell them all the meds I'm currently taking for my bipolar. And then I was nervous that they were going to see that I'm bipolar and flag me as some kind of drug addict. Because it IS a fact that a lot of people with bipolar disorder are addicted to drugs and alcohol. So it really sucked shuffling into that office. I was just hoping and praying that they wouldn't look at my "stuff" and judge me and that they would just give me some pain killers and muscle relaxers and send me on my way. When the Dr. walked in and saw me laying on the table with tears rolling down my face I think I said the dumbest thing in the world. ( which I have a habit of doing when I get nervous) I said, " Hi, I'll be honest with you, I'm drug seeking." Luckily, he laughed and said I'm seeking pain relief. Oh, yeah, Right. <br />
Filling out Dr. forms and checking the box "Mental Disorder" is VERY disturbing. I hate it. Most the time I struggle with the idea of just lying. I hate having to list my medications. too. I hate feeling like a nut job. <br />
But its the motions that I go through. Maybe someday I will be able to deal with it better. For now, its just so new to me. Needless to say, I got my pain meds. I'm at home feeling relaxed and relieved and am hoping the back pain heals on its own in a couple days.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-17200002869701300112010-12-10T13:21:00.000-08:002010-12-10T13:21:15.303-08:00So what does a normal day look like for me? Gosh I wish I knew. They are all so different. Cheers to Brandon, the BEST husband in the world. He has no Godly clue what he wakes up to every morning. And you know what? That really sucks for him. And I wish I could be like the rest of you. You all probably have some sort of clue of how you'll feel about a particular thing each day, some sort of consistency. Me? No way. I am ALL OVER the place. I'm a HOT MESS! I like calling myself that. Especially because it has the word "hot " in it. I'll be vain for a brief moment, I'm allowed. So back to focusing on what a normal day for me is like. I guess it would be like today. I actually got like 8 hours of sleep. Thats with taking two 1 mg Attivans' and 3 Trazadone. I can't sleep otherwise. I would be awake all night long if I didn't drug myself. So sucky. My boys were so good for me today too. Which really helps. I need them to be good for me because when they are difficult it really makes this disease all the more difficult. I wish I was a rich bipolar. Bipolar Housewives of Franklin County. Come on, you'd tune in, wouldn't you? You KNOW it wouldn't be boring! <br />
But as I go about each day I have to honestly consciously try to make good decisions. Much like a little child.I have to think outloud. "Will this get me into trouble?"My ability to understand right from wrong is slightly skewed. I have a devil on my shoulder. Its' my alternate being who keeps trying to pull me out of my happy little life with my husband and children and get me to go towards the life of spontaneity (okay I KNOW that's spelled wrong) and "no looking back". Its constant. Its hell. I have no idea who I really am anymore. I know who I used to be so I draw on what I remember myself being like before this all happened. Thank God I have that. Thank God. But I made it throught the day without any major upsets. I'm still here. My kids are safe and happy. I think Brandon is happy, I don't know, he'd have to tell you that one. But I'll chalk today up to a success because I feel good. And to me that's worth more that gold.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-13270813155433878432010-12-09T14:45:00.000-08:002010-12-09T14:45:02.904-08:00In The Beginning Part DeuxSo the volcano erupted. And boy, did the hot magma of hell spill over. I mean, demons flying and everything. I knew immediately I was undeniably bipolar one sunny afternoon when racing thoughts of shopping and dirty sex with men other than my husband polluted my mind. I couldn't shut it out! I prayed and prayed and prayed for it to go away. And it wouldn't. I couldn't control the thoughts. I couldn't control my brain. Then I stopped sleeping. Like, literally. I would lay down to go to sleep at 10 pm and lay there and think and think and think until like 2am. Then realize, "Crap, I'm not sleeping". And then just lay there and think and think and think until the sun came up. Nights of this. I stopped eating to. Which everyone seemed to notice, Thank you. I knew it was Bipolar and I was scared. I didn't want to be bipolar. No way. Not fair. So not fair. And then I thought, okay God so I'm bipolar. We can handle this, right? Right? I will just pray and you will take away these dirty urges I have. These dirty thoughts. Because its sinful, and I know I'm wrong. So......do it now. Okay......now. Anytime now. And..........nothing. I didn't understand. Where was God with this. Here I am on the verge of making costly life altering mistakes and I'm asking my savior to come down and do something because I cant do this alone. I mean, I'm suffering here! And I don't want to suffer! I don't want to sin. I felt awful. Alone. Sucky. Whatever. I didn't want to say I was giving up but I didn't know what else to do, I mean, I tried. There's no fighting the bipolar beast. He's there and he's tough. He'll devour you in a minute. And so I just let him. Worst summer of my life, to say the least. To spare you the details, I almost lost my kids, Brandon and I barely escaped divorce and I could be in Afghanistan right now having joined the National Gaurd right now if anybody would have taken me half seriously. But by some miracle, and by that we all know its the love and grace of God I'm still here. Still bipolar but still here.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5198227162122114404.post-30428652671402436542010-12-09T13:04:00.000-08:002011-02-09T06:00:54.843-08:00In the Beginning.....So if you know me, you know I'm a hot mess. I didn't always be this way. Really, I swear. I was somewhat normal. I had jobs I couldn't keep and a child out of wedlock and drank way too much. Thats pretty normal for American standards, right? I mean, I didn't seen anything wrong with it. I knew it was hard a hard life to juggle but it was all I knew. It was the mess I created. And I couldn't just walk out of it. Sometimes the events in my life would somewhat improve. Like that time I found God. And that other time I got married. Those two pivital events seemed to have steadied my rocky world. For a short while. Little did I know, is that my life sits ontop of a huge volcano that errupts without notice and brings chaos and calamity to all who are near. <br />
I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2007, after I had my youngest, Aidan. I didn't believe the doctors though. I wanted to just believe that I had post partum depression. But they kept insisting bi polar and I kept insisting their idiocracy. It was a never ending battle. Once they convinced me to try their meds I really had had it then. In case you didn't know this, Bi polar meds are the WORST! Ever hear of LITHIUM? Okay, that's what my first quack psychiatrist put me on. We'll call him Dr. Dumbf#%K. I despise him. He wouldn't even listen to me. He was just like, "nope, you need lithium". And I said," OMG, Lithium? that freaks me out! Isn't there any other way?" And his response was , " Nope, you need lithium." So as desperate as I was to get out of the suicidal depression I was in, I gave lithium a shot. Holy Moses. Never Again. Lithium is hardcore stuff. I better be in a vegetative coma before anybody gives me that sh*t again.<br />
I was so mad at Dr. Dumbf#%K that I wrote off the Bipolar and wrote off the meds and went on my way. Boy, did I really want to die then. After continuing to feel severly depressed, I was lucky enough to find THE GREATEST Psychiatrist in Columbus whom we shall Dr. Awesome. He said that since I wasn't convinced I was bipolar that I wouldn't take the meds for it, so he let me just go home with some antidepressants and a sleep aid. God Bless HIm. And believe it or not, that coctail actually worked for me for a long time. No bipolar episodes, nothing.<br />
So I was laughing at Dr. Dumbf#%k. Stupid. Told you so. Lithium. Nasty.<br />
So all was well, life was farely good again. Until my back injury, and then the painkillers, and then......duh.duh.duh...................<br />
The volcano erupted.Karyndahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09935023854284784696noreply@blogger.com2