Comeback #1

If you've been wondering how I've been doing lately, let me fill you in. I've been feeling really fantastic. I'm not sure what my brief symptoms of depression were but they are gone. It is such a relief too. I really hate it when I'm not feeling right. Its just not me, and it bothers me to the core. So, what caused this amazing turn around? Well, I can tell you what I've done. I've been reading a lot. One book being the bible. And I think God has honored that obedience and kept me from sinking deeper into depression. I also have been getting a full 8 hours of sleep each night, which definately helps. And I haven't been giving into "the thoughts". You know, those thoughts that you sometimes get that seem to drag you down. Well, I have racing thoughts and when they are negative, my brain seems to take a nose dive. I also called my doctor and stayed in contact with him, let him know how I was feeling. He upped my anti-depressant. But I know its not the increase of drug that is causing this sudden change. Medication like that doesn't effect you over night. There actually are other ways of battling this disease without medication. Now, when I go see  Dr. Awesome this week I'm going to ask him to put me back on my regular dose. I think I jumped to the medication too quickly. I need to stop doing that.  I'm such a druggie :)  For now though, I'm happy to have my joy back.

Ahhhh....great.

So I've been noticing some changes lately. I haven't been wanting to really update my blog, which I always love doing. I've just felt a little unmotivated and uninspired to do it. That's not really like me. And then I've been noticing some other changes as well, some subtle others not so much. So....back to the books. I've done more research. I came across mood swings and triggers that can provoke an oncoming episode of depression. What interested me were these changes such as: Changes in sex drive -  CHECK.  Changes in energy level - Check.   Changes in alcohol use - Check (I'm actually on the band wagon right now....wish me luck).  Changes in Sleep patterns - CHECK  

So here I am reading all this, filling out my survey getting quite afraid. I can actually see what's happening to me before it happens. I'm getting depressed. I don't feel depressed yet. My body is acting depressed, how long before my mind follows????? THis freaks me out, because over the summer during the times that I did get depressed there were times when I would just cry and moan uncontrollably. And I felt unsafe driving my own car because I just wanted to ram in into oncoming traffic or drive myself down to the Psych hospital.

Needing some prayers, ya'll. I'm going to fight this tooth and nail. I'm equipped. I have God on my side, I have lots of tools that I never had before. I have a support group, I have a supportive husband, I'm on meds. But even being on meds, this can still happen. Just so ya'll know. I'm going to visit my doctor soon, maybe we can prevent a full on depression tornado from sweeping through here but either way, I'm just going to do what I know to do, think good thoughts, and take care of this all I can before it consumes me.
And later today, I'm going to the gym to see if I can kick its a#s.

Some Research

I've been thinking a lot lately about my condition and its status. What I mean is that here I am with this BP, and what am I supposed to do with it? I don't believe that anything that happens to us in life is an accident. Sickness, deaths, successess, failures.....God has this huge masterful plan that we can just never wrap our minds around. But I've been feeling a bit of relief lately by understanding a few facts about my disease. Obviously, I'm not the ONLY one suffering. They even have a support group at my church for BP disorder, how crazy is that? I am one of 5.7 million people who get to enjoy all that comes with BP. I've been doing some research. There are a lot of celebrities, that have this illness. I think that creativity and mental disorders tend to go hand in hand. Between our exetreme mood swings of mania to depression, our creativity just flows. Most the time, it goes no where. But, in others I think it helps sculpt success and huge contribution to our society. Those who have actually contributed: Vincent Van Gogh, Albert Einstein, Jane Pauley, Ben Stiller, Beethoven. And then there's me :) Oh well, I rest more easily knowing that BP disorder isn't just a destructive mental illness. Although I'd love to become the next worldwide embassador for Bipolar Awareness, that's not going to happen. So, I guess if I only just stay a 25 year old :)  housewife in Columbus, OH for the rest of my life, that's good enough for me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Okay, I give up. On downloading a video, that is. I've been trying for 4 stupid days. I hate technology. Well, my birthday was 4 days ago. And I shot a video about how just awesome, happy I am.  Well, I'm not going to post that video anymore. My awesome happiness has been slightly shattered. As my birthday rolled around this year, I realized that I have friends that can hang with the bipolar, and some that can't. For the friends that can't, it really saddens me. I don't mean to push anyone away, or disappear or have any other kind of weird behaviors. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. Sometimes, it takes all my effort to just get through the day without breaking down, and that steals my focus. Other times, like right now, I'm doing so well, that I'm playing catch up with my kids and my husband, literally. I lost like 4 or 5 months with them this summer while I was manic. I'm like a new person now and I just want to be around them  all the time. I guess I just don't know how to balance it all. I'm new at this. One thing for sure, weeks like this, I wish I never got sick. I'd certainly have more friends.
For the friends that have stuck with me and have forgiven me for A LOT, you are amazing souls. I cherish you deeply. I need you more than words can say. And I hope I never do anything to screw our friendship up ! :) I can be me, be bipolar, be whatever and not have to excuse myself for anything. I love you all.
So. Birthday week. Not so great. But at least I have a God that I can lean on, He'll never leave. If I lose everyone in the world, I'll always have Him, and THAT is what I learned this week.

New Years Resolution

I can't believe it is 2011 already. And I can't believe I actually made it through 2010. People with bipolar disorder have a 10-15% mortality rate. We tend to be highly suicidal. And trust me, it definately crossed my mind several times. All I can say is that God really does watch over me, and even though there were times that I really wanted to die, and was angry that I just couldn't, He kept me from harm, He knew my life here wasn't yet completed. That brings me to my New Years Resolution. I can look back at the last year and think of all the times that I prayed and prayed that God would just instantly heal me or get me out of trouble or make me feel good again. And although that never happened, He did stay with me He never let any true harm come to myself or my family for which I am truly grateful. So my New Years Resolution is to make God the center of my life (again). I used to have such a great relationship with Jesus. And then I became manic, and majorly sinned and thought that there was just no way that I could ever have that relationship back. Knowing now that that isn't true, I am trying  now to "get back" to where I was. Its hard because I feel different, like a changed woman. And I feel bad because of all the terrible things I did when I was sick. But I know about God's capacity to love and forgive and that's what keeps me going. And my 2nd New Years Resolution is to be a jogger, because I tend to hate jogging, but the first one is more important :)

Finding Joy

I think sometimes that it is so unfair to my kids that I have bipolar disorder. Because I know that like, over this summer I was a TERRIBLE mother. TERRIBLE. And the sad thing is is that I really didn't even notice much or really even care. I was too caught up in what I was feeling and doing at the time. It was so destructive to our family. Thank god for Brandon the brickhouse. Anyway, now that I'm all regulated on my medication, I still struggle a lot with my kids. But deep down I find it a little enjoyable. Because I know that I can handle it. I know that I'm not going to hurt them. And I know that they know they can ( for now) depend on me to take care of them. And that brings me joy. So a thought came to me last night, as I have recently begun to feel myself get a little overwhelmed with this Christmas break and all the kiddos stuck inside, is this: I'm just going to smile my way through all the calamities that come my way. And trust me, there's a LOT of them. From the minute I get up until the minute Brandon gets home. And I say until he gets home because then he helps me deal with them and I don't have to do it all alone anymore. So I'm trying to paste this genuine/fake/wicked/ whatever you want to describe it as, smile on my face, and bear through it. And then, I can only pray that when the day comes that my medication no longer works, or my mania returns, I will remember this useful tool and it will keep me from becoming that TERRIBLE mother ever again.

Grieving my health

In addition to grieving  for the loss of my health on occasion, I also have to grieve for other things, as well. Like, for example, over the summer we hosted a group of boys from Uganda. I became so close to these boys that I wanted to adopt them all as my own. I truly love them. I knew that it was my calling in life to one day go to Uganda on a missions trip and see them again. Well, meeting them was BEFORE the bipolar. Because now that I have bipolar, there is no way that I'd be able to fly across the world the see them. People with bipolar are very sensitive to sleep and stress disruption. So by messing up my time clock by a few hours let alone 7 or 8 would more than likely throw me into a manic episode. I'd like to say that they are worth the risk. I mean, they are. One day down the road, maybe I'll try it, who knows what God has planned for me. But I know that I'm not leaving this time zone any time soon.