Finding Joy

I think sometimes that it is so unfair to my kids that I have bipolar disorder. Because I know that like, over this summer I was a TERRIBLE mother. TERRIBLE. And the sad thing is is that I really didn't even notice much or really even care. I was too caught up in what I was feeling and doing at the time. It was so destructive to our family. Thank god for Brandon the brickhouse. Anyway, now that I'm all regulated on my medication, I still struggle a lot with my kids. But deep down I find it a little enjoyable. Because I know that I can handle it. I know that I'm not going to hurt them. And I know that they know they can ( for now) depend on me to take care of them. And that brings me joy. So a thought came to me last night, as I have recently begun to feel myself get a little overwhelmed with this Christmas break and all the kiddos stuck inside, is this: I'm just going to smile my way through all the calamities that come my way. And trust me, there's a LOT of them. From the minute I get up until the minute Brandon gets home. And I say until he gets home because then he helps me deal with them and I don't have to do it all alone anymore. So I'm trying to paste this genuine/fake/wicked/ whatever you want to describe it as, smile on my face, and bear through it. And then, I can only pray that when the day comes that my medication no longer works, or my mania returns, I will remember this useful tool and it will keep me from becoming that TERRIBLE mother ever again.