I'm back, this is why.....

So.... NOW I know why I was being so mean to Brandon! Want to hear it? I mean, get ready. Shocker. Beginning phases of depressive episode. A huge one actually, it knocked my socks off. I mean, I was BEGGING for the hospital it was that bad. I think I now know that when I start getting "tired" of Brandon, that's a pretty good sign that I'm about ready to just leave the flock and get crazy so somebody better just do something if you don't want me to lose it completely :) I, of course, really had no idea that any of this was happening, I just thought again that I wasn't really cut out for marriage and well, blah blah blah. It was my reality, so it was what I thought was the truth. The Good news is that we caught this one in time and I was totally able to avoid the hospital and carry on w life as normal. Actually better than normal because I'm feeling pretty good as of late. What really sucks? Is that I was on my medication and everything and this still all happened to me. I didn't think that could happen. And that's what's not fair. I'm a good girl, I do everything I'm supposed, take my cocktail of drugs and slam.Still happens to me. Really sucks. And my new intensive therapy to treat this? Freakin expensive! But, it does work.........I'd explain it to you, but my Psychiatrist still and I are still negotiating rates so I can't advertise it for him for FREE (UNLESS YOU CUT ME A DEAL!!!)    lol
I guess this is why I haven't written on here in awhile. I've had a love/hate relationship with my BP. Mostly hate. I still don't understand any of it. I 've been exhausting myself reading about how to "get rid" of it. And I know that I should just really give it up. But I don't. Because it scares me so much. BP is such an illness that absolutely controls me more than I control it. I don't care what anybody has to say, if you don't have BP please do not comment or quote scripture to me here. It just simply controls me. So I just work myself to death trying to figure out all its "tricks" and read about anything I might of missed, maybe I'm possessed by a demon? Anyone got tickets to the next supernatural healer in town?
Thank God things are good now. Exetremely happy, keeping busy which is CRUCIAL to my survival and continuing to look over my shoulder to see if I can catch a glance at the next "Bipolar-sode" coming to get me. Brandon says that Im always so negative....I say, I'm not negative, Im' just a realist. This is reality. You can't shade this baby with optimism. It doesn't come in that color.