ARM One Minute Video

A lovely bout of Spring blues

Spring is finally here, and with it I was imagining the winter "blues" to be gone and sheer happiness to be blooming in my heart. So I am shocked to even be admitting to you that I am feeling a depression bout coming on. It seems to have appeared out of nowhere really but the symptoms are all there, and so the battle begins. Over the last few days I've required far more sleep, I've been way more forgetful, way too tearful and far more agitated with my husband and children than necessary. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I don't even know what I am guilty of? I just feel bad and guilty! Which is a terrible condition to be in as a Christian because that is like Satan's playground. I've just laid fresh mulch and set up a swirly slide in my brain for Satan! Thankfully, for the last few months, I've had far more intimacy with Christ than I've ever had in my life. And whether this is THE STORM he has been preparing me for or not, I feel like I am equipped. And during my "peace time" when I was doing so well I did not take one thing for granted. I praised God for every little thing good and bad, I worshiped Him, I soaked up His word, I followed after Him as well as I knew how. And now is no different, its just a little more challenging when you have to battle so many deceiving thoughts. SO MANY deceiving thoughts. According to all of my Bipolar books I'm supposed to journal, go to the gym, get enough sleep, stay out of seclusion, blah blah blah. I'm doing that, but the medical books always fail to mention the greatest aid to depression. Jesus. Say his name, sing his songs, say his words, follow his ways. I have yet to call my Doctor and I probably won't do it for a time. I've called on my Healer, and He is blessing me. So remember when I said that being bipolar has its advantages, and that I hear songs racing through my head all the time? I even know for a fact that the Holy Spirit speaks to me through these songs, if I pay attention to them. And this morning, I did. I had just gotten out of the shower and just laid on the floor in my towel, completely unmotivated to get dressed. I just sat there, picking at the carpet listening to my "song" in my head. After I while I realized what it was:
"You are stronger, You are stronger,
Sin is broken you have saved me
It is written   Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all"
(Hillsong)

And I thought, I AM stronger than THIS. And HE is stronger than THIS. Jesus, the power in that name alone, gives me great hope beyond what any anti-depressant can.

For my poor husband

So things have been going swimmingly. Except for one little area. For some reason I am so mean to Brandon. I don't know why, I can't quite pinpoint it. And maybe I'm exxagerating just a bit, I just feel like I've been so mean to him. I have the most wonderful patience and get such joy out of my children and anyone else I encounter, but when Brandon walks through the door its just not happenin' for him. I feel like getting out my Bipolar books and reading them again, because I"ve talked with my therapist and she says that anger is really just fear. So what am I afraid of? I can't figure it out? I know that I've been experiencing a lot more back pain lately and on pain meds. So throw that in please for my defense. But why am I so cold to the person that loves me the most? I don't get it? I don't think that it really has anything to do with fear. Logically I think that because he's closest to me I just don't NEED to be patient and super nice (put on a show) and so I don't. Is that it? That's terrible though, who wants to married to somebody who gets the leftovers? Brandon has a hard life with me, lets just put it at that. He's said over and over that when God talks to him, He says, "Just LOVE her." And now I know why. Because God knows why I'm so difficult with Brandon and God is gently reminding Brandon to just love her, just love her, just love her. Don't forget, she's being a total jerk head, just love her. I hate saying that I can't wait to go see my therapist again but really its the truth. She just has a way of figuring things out for me. She has all the smarts behind my idiotic ways of saying and doing things. And for Brandon's poor sake, I'd really like to resolve whatever underlying "issue" there is. He doesn't deserve this. He's been with me, through thick and thin. Manic and depressed. Healthy and sick. Fat and thin. Blond and brunette. When I was walking with God and when I was walking away from Him. It's so hard to figure yourself out. Its even harder when you have an "illness" that could possibly be the cause of why you do things. But I'm not giving up. I'm just working it out. And I am so grateful that I don't have to work it out alone. GOD has the all the love and patience for me even when I don't have any to offer myself.