For my poor husband

So things have been going swimmingly. Except for one little area. For some reason I am so mean to Brandon. I don't know why, I can't quite pinpoint it. And maybe I'm exxagerating just a bit, I just feel like I've been so mean to him. I have the most wonderful patience and get such joy out of my children and anyone else I encounter, but when Brandon walks through the door its just not happenin' for him. I feel like getting out my Bipolar books and reading them again, because I"ve talked with my therapist and she says that anger is really just fear. So what am I afraid of? I can't figure it out? I know that I've been experiencing a lot more back pain lately and on pain meds. So throw that in please for my defense. But why am I so cold to the person that loves me the most? I don't get it? I don't think that it really has anything to do with fear. Logically I think that because he's closest to me I just don't NEED to be patient and super nice (put on a show) and so I don't. Is that it? That's terrible though, who wants to married to somebody who gets the leftovers? Brandon has a hard life with me, lets just put it at that. He's said over and over that when God talks to him, He says, "Just LOVE her." And now I know why. Because God knows why I'm so difficult with Brandon and God is gently reminding Brandon to just love her, just love her, just love her. Don't forget, she's being a total jerk head, just love her. I hate saying that I can't wait to go see my therapist again but really its the truth. She just has a way of figuring things out for me. She has all the smarts behind my idiotic ways of saying and doing things. And for Brandon's poor sake, I'd really like to resolve whatever underlying "issue" there is. He doesn't deserve this. He's been with me, through thick and thin. Manic and depressed. Healthy and sick. Fat and thin. Blond and brunette. When I was walking with God and when I was walking away from Him. It's so hard to figure yourself out. Its even harder when you have an "illness" that could possibly be the cause of why you do things. But I'm not giving up. I'm just working it out. And I am so grateful that I don't have to work it out alone. GOD has the all the love and patience for me even when I don't have any to offer myself.