Finding Joy

I think sometimes that it is so unfair to my kids that I have bipolar disorder. Because I know that like, over this summer I was a TERRIBLE mother. TERRIBLE. And the sad thing is is that I really didn't even notice much or really even care. I was too caught up in what I was feeling and doing at the time. It was so destructive to our family. Thank god for Brandon the brickhouse. Anyway, now that I'm all regulated on my medication, I still struggle a lot with my kids. But deep down I find it a little enjoyable. Because I know that I can handle it. I know that I'm not going to hurt them. And I know that they know they can ( for now) depend on me to take care of them. And that brings me joy. So a thought came to me last night, as I have recently begun to feel myself get a little overwhelmed with this Christmas break and all the kiddos stuck inside, is this: I'm just going to smile my way through all the calamities that come my way. And trust me, there's a LOT of them. From the minute I get up until the minute Brandon gets home. And I say until he gets home because then he helps me deal with them and I don't have to do it all alone anymore. So I'm trying to paste this genuine/fake/wicked/ whatever you want to describe it as, smile on my face, and bear through it. And then, I can only pray that when the day comes that my medication no longer works, or my mania returns, I will remember this useful tool and it will keep me from becoming that TERRIBLE mother ever again.

Grieving my health

In addition to grieving  for the loss of my health on occasion, I also have to grieve for other things, as well. Like, for example, over the summer we hosted a group of boys from Uganda. I became so close to these boys that I wanted to adopt them all as my own. I truly love them. I knew that it was my calling in life to one day go to Uganda on a missions trip and see them again. Well, meeting them was BEFORE the bipolar. Because now that I have bipolar, there is no way that I'd be able to fly across the world the see them. People with bipolar are very sensitive to sleep and stress disruption. So by messing up my time clock by a few hours let alone 7 or 8 would more than likely throw me into a manic episode. I'd like to say that they are worth the risk. I mean, they are. One day down the road, maybe I'll try it, who knows what God has planned for me. But I know that I'm not leaving this time zone any time soon.

A Merry Christmas

As we near Christmas I have a bunch of different feelings about this holiday.See, two months ago I didn't even think my family would all be together. My bipolar had gotten so bad that I just didn't think that Brandon and I would make it. And now that Christmas day draws nearer, I'm overjoyed and grateful that everything has just worked out so wonderfully. We're all together, working things out and overall very happy. Again I have a wonderful husband who puts up with me. So, so grateful.
 I was watching old Christmas videos the other day. It really kind of bummed me out. There I was, the old me. Before the bipolar, before the medication, before all the mania that almost destroyed my life. I was so happy. I was so normal. I can NOT believe how my life was so abruptly turned upside down.
I guess that doesn't really matter anymore. What does matter is that this year's Christmas video is just as good as the last. Bipolar and all.

Acne and Anorexia

So people have actually asked me if I'm anorexic. As a result of my medication I've lost a considerable amount of weight. I used to weigh a healthy 137 lbs. I've lost 20. You do the math. So the weight loss at first was kind of awesome. All of a sudden I was shopping for size 3 jeans. But then I started getting asked if I was anorexic. Seriously. People asked me that. I then  realized that I looked sick. This body I live in is not really me. Its the sick me. Oh, how I'd give anything to have the 137lb Karynda back. Because that would mean I was healthy again. But I would just like to say that when asked if I'm anorexic? I usually just painfully laugh it off and say no. But inside it hurts. WHat do you want me to say people? What I'd love to tell you is that I work out at the gym and diet, looks like YOU haven't been to the gym much???? But I dont!  So, I try to "embrace" (theres that word again) this size 3 and wear things that I normally wouldn't be able to pull off like skinny jeans and short shorts, BECAUSE I CAN. Little things like that make me happy. I know I might get made fun of for being 30 years old dressing like a girl in her 20's but I don't have much that make me happy so give me this.
And for the acne? Another lovely side effect that has recently come about. I used to laugh that the Proactive commercial with Justin Beiber in it. Guess who uses Proactive now? Although I must say its only been about 50% effective on this face. Its so frustrating because I used to have beautiful skin. Lets just say that I have a really hard time looking in the mirror lately. I hate hate hate bipolar medication. I know those who read this blog that are bipolar and on meds as well can relate. The side effects are horrendous. For those of you who read this blog and don't need medication to function daily in your lives, say a prayer of thanks to God. You are blessed.

A Tough Thing to Embrace

There are days that I really struggle with this disease. There have been times that I have been very angry with God. I want to be the same person I was before this all started. I long to be that person again. I grieve for that person to come back. But as a mechanism to get through life, I've realized that I can't be angry. And I can't grieve. Because it is what it is. So I have to try to embrace it. Through the good times and bad I have to embrace bipolar disorder. While I was in my manic phase this summer I experienced some super crazy things. One was, I became exetremly obsessed with our military. I wanted to join. I was almost angry that I had kids and couldn't go and fight the war. I even figured I could at least join the National Gaurd, that would work? So the next best thing I found was working with actual veterans. And today I volunteer with Honorflights, raising money to send our WW2 veterans to Washington D.C to see the memorials. That appeases me. That is safe for me. And I love it. Another obsession I gained was with motorcycles. I wanted to buy on Sooooooo bad. And I still do. Luckily for me I have a loving husband who agrees that a motorcyle would be super awesome and when the finances allow for it, we can get one. Brandon sure did keep me safe this summer. I mean, there were times when I even told him that I wanted to leave him and didn't think I loved him anymore and he knew that was the disease talking and STILL stuck by me. Even today he's my greatest support. A lot of people with bipolar disorder end up in divorce and I can see why. I'm just so grateful for my guy. He  seems to embrace the bipolar disorder too. And loves me in spite of it.

Racing Thoughts

So I've never mentioned my racing thoughts. My mind races so fast that I can literally hear a song playing in my head and think a full thought at the same time. I swear that neither the song or the thought is interrupted. From the books I've read this supposedly is impossible. So I guess that just means that my neurons are firing at super speed. But I always have a soundtrack going on. And its always a dumb song. Like right now, its "Raindrops keep falling on my head". All while I'm typing this. Don't ask me how that song popped in my brain, I haven't even heard it in like years. Its an incredibly lame song, too. I think that's why I have a hard time learning stuff. Because in order to focus I have to drown out the songs and the thoughts and try to listen or read and retain. And that is really hard. I've never done well in school and this is probably why. That's my excuse at least, and I'm sticking to it. If I ever go back to school, I want some Aderall.
I've also notice that because my brain works so fast, I feel like I need to be constantly stimulated. And when I'm not, it totally brings me down. I haven't been happy lately just being a stay at home mom. The daily routine of breakfast, cleaning, laundry, errands, just isn't enough to satisfy this brain of mine. I'd like to say that I want to go back to work, but then that's almost impossible finding a job that fits a schedule around my kids school. So I'm kind of stuck. I think I seriously wish there was a way to just SLOW my brain down. But then again. Would I be happy with that? After all these years of high-speed thinking and lovely background soundtracks racing through my head would I be happy with the silence? Blah. IDK, but I'd like to try. If anyone at least knows how to get this stupid Raindrops song out of my head, I for one, would be grateful :)

Uh-Oh, I've done it again

So the other morning I sneezed. Not like a huge, monstrous disgusting sneeze. Just a normal cute one. But it caught me off gaurd and I guess my stomach muscles weren't ready for it or something because  it caused something in my back to "pop". Which I immediately knew was a bad thing. Luckily, I also knew it wasn't too terribly bad but just bad enough to cause me some discomfort. Throughout the night and the following day the pain got worse, and I thought, " oh hell, there is no point in living like this." So I called my Neurologist who is another Dr. Awesome in my book, and he told me to go to Urgent care being that it was a weekend. So off I went. Honestly, I was kind of freaked out about this. Because all I wanted was some drugs. And I knew that I was going to have to fill out their forms and tell them all the meds I'm currently taking for my bipolar. And then I was nervous that they were going to see that I'm bipolar and flag me as some kind of drug addict. Because it IS a fact that a lot of people with bipolar disorder are addicted to drugs and alcohol. So it really sucked shuffling into that office. I was just hoping and praying that they wouldn't look at my "stuff" and judge me and that they would just give me some pain killers and muscle relaxers and send me on my way. When the Dr. walked in and saw me laying on the table with tears rolling down my face I think I said the dumbest thing in the world. ( which I have a habit of doing when I get nervous) I said, " Hi, I'll be honest with you, I'm drug seeking."  Luckily, he laughed and said I'm seeking pain relief.  Oh, yeah, Right.
Filling out Dr. forms and checking the box "Mental Disorder" is VERY disturbing. I hate it. Most the time I struggle with the idea of just lying. I hate having to list my medications. too. I hate feeling like a nut job.
But its the motions that I go through. Maybe someday I will be able to deal with it better. For now, its just so new to me. Needless to say, I got my pain meds. I'm at home feeling relaxed and relieved and am hoping the back pain heals on its own in a couple days.

So what does a normal day look like for me? Gosh I wish I knew. They are all so different. Cheers to Brandon, the BEST husband in the world. He has no Godly clue what he wakes up to every morning. And you know what? That really sucks for him. And I wish I could be like the rest of you. You all probably have some sort of clue of how you'll feel about a particular thing each day, some sort of consistency. Me? No way. I am ALL OVER the place. I'm a HOT MESS! I like calling myself that. Especially because it has the word "hot " in it. I'll be vain for a brief moment, I'm allowed. So back to focusing on what a normal day for me is like. I guess it would be like today. I actually got like 8 hours of sleep. Thats with taking two 1 mg Attivans' and 3 Trazadone. I can't sleep otherwise. I would be awake all night long if I didn't drug myself. So sucky. My boys were so good for me today too. Which really helps. I need them to be good for me because when they are difficult it really makes this disease all the more difficult. I wish I was a rich bipolar. Bipolar Housewives of Franklin County. Come on, you'd tune in, wouldn't you? You KNOW it wouldn't be boring!
But as I go about each day I have to honestly consciously try to make good decisions. Much like a little child.I have to think outloud. "Will this get me into trouble?"My ability to understand right from wrong is slightly skewed. I have a devil on my shoulder. Its' my alternate being who keeps trying to pull me out of my happy little life with my husband and children and get me to go towards the life of spontaneity (okay I KNOW that's spelled wrong)  and "no looking back". Its constant. Its hell. I have no idea who I really am anymore. I know who I used to be so I draw on what I remember myself being like before this all happened. Thank God I have that. Thank God. But I made it throught the day without any major upsets. I'm still here. My kids are safe and happy. I think Brandon is happy, I don't know, he'd have to tell you that one. But I'll chalk today up to a success because I feel good. And to me that's worth more that gold.

In The Beginning Part Deux

So the volcano erupted. And boy, did the hot magma of hell spill over. I mean, demons flying and everything. I knew immediately I was undeniably bipolar one sunny afternoon when racing thoughts of shopping and dirty sex with men other than my husband polluted my mind. I couldn't shut it out! I prayed and prayed and prayed for it to go away. And it wouldn't. I couldn't control the thoughts. I couldn't control my brain. Then I stopped sleeping. Like, literally. I would lay down to go to sleep at 10 pm and lay there and think and think and think until like 2am. Then realize, "Crap, I'm not sleeping". And then just lay there and think and think and think until the sun came up. Nights of this. I stopped eating to. Which everyone seemed to notice, Thank you. I knew it was Bipolar and I was scared. I didn't want to be bipolar. No way. Not fair. So not fair. And then I thought, okay God so I'm bipolar. We can handle this, right? Right? I will just pray and you will take away these dirty urges I have. These dirty thoughts. Because its sinful, and I know I'm wrong. So......do it now. Okay......now. Anytime now. And..........nothing. I didn't understand. Where was God with this. Here I am on the verge of making costly life altering mistakes and I'm asking my savior to come down and do something because I cant do this alone. I mean, I'm suffering here! And I don't want to suffer! I don't want to sin. I felt awful. Alone. Sucky. Whatever. I didn't want to say I was giving up but I didn't know what else to do, I mean, I tried. There's no fighting the bipolar beast. He's there and he's tough. He'll devour you in a minute. And so I just let him. Worst summer of my life, to say the least. To spare you the details, I almost lost my kids, Brandon and I barely escaped divorce and I could be in Afghanistan right now having joined the National Gaurd right now if anybody would have taken me half seriously. But by some miracle, and by that we all know its the love and grace of God I'm still here. Still bipolar but still here.

In the Beginning.....

So if you know me, you know I'm a hot mess. I didn't always be this way. Really, I swear. I was somewhat normal. I had jobs I couldn't keep and a child out of wedlock and drank way too much. Thats pretty normal for American standards, right? I mean, I didn't seen anything wrong with it. I knew it was hard a hard life to juggle but it was all I knew. It was the mess I created. And I couldn't just walk out of it. Sometimes the events in my life would somewhat improve. Like that time I found God. And that other time I got married. Those two pivital events seemed to have steadied my rocky world. For a short while. Little did I know, is that my life sits ontop of a huge volcano that errupts without notice and brings chaos and calamity to all who are near.
I was first diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2007, after I had my youngest, Aidan. I didn't believe the doctors though. I wanted to just believe that I had post partum depression. But they kept insisting bi polar and I kept insisting their idiocracy. It was a never ending battle. Once they convinced me to try their meds I really had had it then. In case you didn't know this, Bi polar meds are the WORST! Ever hear of LITHIUM? Okay, that's what my first quack psychiatrist put me on. We'll call him Dr. Dumbf#%K. I despise him. He wouldn't even listen to me. He was just like, "nope, you need lithium". And I said," OMG, Lithium? that freaks me out! Isn't there any other way?" And his response was , " Nope, you need lithium." So as desperate as I was to get out of the suicidal depression I was in, I gave lithium a shot. Holy Moses. Never Again. Lithium is hardcore stuff. I better be in a vegetative coma before anybody gives me that sh*t again.
I was so mad at Dr. Dumbf#%K that I wrote off the Bipolar and wrote off the meds and went on my way. Boy, did I really want to die then. After continuing to feel severly depressed, I was lucky enough to find THE GREATEST Psychiatrist in Columbus whom we shall Dr. Awesome. He said that since I wasn't convinced I was bipolar that I wouldn't take the meds for it, so he let me just go home with some antidepressants and a sleep aid. God Bless HIm. And believe it or not, that coctail actually worked for me for a long time. No bipolar episodes, nothing.
So I was laughing at Dr. Dumbf#%k. Stupid. Told you so. Lithium. Nasty.
So all was well, life was farely good again. Until my back injury, and then the painkillers, and then......duh.duh.duh...................
The volcano erupted.