In The Beginning Part Deux

So the volcano erupted. And boy, did the hot magma of hell spill over. I mean, demons flying and everything. I knew immediately I was undeniably bipolar one sunny afternoon when racing thoughts of shopping and dirty sex with men other than my husband polluted my mind. I couldn't shut it out! I prayed and prayed and prayed for it to go away. And it wouldn't. I couldn't control the thoughts. I couldn't control my brain. Then I stopped sleeping. Like, literally. I would lay down to go to sleep at 10 pm and lay there and think and think and think until like 2am. Then realize, "Crap, I'm not sleeping". And then just lay there and think and think and think until the sun came up. Nights of this. I stopped eating to. Which everyone seemed to notice, Thank you. I knew it was Bipolar and I was scared. I didn't want to be bipolar. No way. Not fair. So not fair. And then I thought, okay God so I'm bipolar. We can handle this, right? Right? I will just pray and you will take away these dirty urges I have. These dirty thoughts. Because its sinful, and I know I'm wrong. So......do it now. Okay......now. Anytime now. And..........nothing. I didn't understand. Where was God with this. Here I am on the verge of making costly life altering mistakes and I'm asking my savior to come down and do something because I cant do this alone. I mean, I'm suffering here! And I don't want to suffer! I don't want to sin. I felt awful. Alone. Sucky. Whatever. I didn't want to say I was giving up but I didn't know what else to do, I mean, I tried. There's no fighting the bipolar beast. He's there and he's tough. He'll devour you in a minute. And so I just let him. Worst summer of my life, to say the least. To spare you the details, I almost lost my kids, Brandon and I barely escaped divorce and I could be in Afghanistan right now having joined the National Gaurd right now if anybody would have taken me half seriously. But by some miracle, and by that we all know its the love and grace of God I'm still here. Still bipolar but still here.