I'm letting you know

Yay! I now have some "leverage" so that I can now talk about my secret treaments that I have been getting from Dr. Awesome! I've been doing really well since my last spell and even in spite of some several stressful events that are going on in my life right now. One being, my house been WRECKED by some serious water damage and its been taking WAY too long for my insurance company and our restoration company to fix it. ( Just some advice, don't ever insure with a company that rhymes with Ranover and then hire "Relfor" to fix it :) Most days I wake up expecting to stay in bed and never get out. My house is just so out of control I am overwhelmed. Its just craziness! Not to mention I got a new puppy, a cute little lappy puppy. He's my little precious :) Awww. Anyway, he's freakin stressin me out too. So in spite of this and other crap going on, I am still functioning very well! And out of  nowhere Dr. Saribalas calls me, (I thought it was because he really likes me as a friend and wanted to see how I was because I'm a major concern to him) and he mentions News Channel 10 doing a short segment on him and his TMS therapy and he wants me to be his patient interview. (So this was even better than the slight letdown I felt when it wasn't just a hello call:) He probably called me because he knew, first of all, that I'm not really that shy, and especially in front of camera's. But also because he knows that I have a tremendous outcome from the TMS and that I don't mind sharing it. So I agreed. And immediately sought after a tanning bed and manicurist. TMS is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Its a machine that sends STRONG magnetic impulses into the section of my brain that produces the dopamine and seratonin and other stuff and stimulates it to produce more. Its not painful, and it has no side effects, its just costly and I think the notion of it can scare people at first. I myself was a little embarassed about having to get "shocked" at first. Its kind of a sad situation in life to be in. Especially when it costs so much too. BUT. It has worked. It has worked so well that I have gotten me a glamorous part time job to help pay for TMS so I can continue on with it. So .......its out! So on maybe Tues the 26th on ch. 10 you will see Dr. Saribalas of the Saribalas Clinic and like probably 2 -5 seconds of me :) Okay maybe they'll give me more but we'll see!

I'm back, this is why.....

So.... NOW I know why I was being so mean to Brandon! Want to hear it? I mean, get ready. Shocker. Beginning phases of depressive episode. A huge one actually, it knocked my socks off. I mean, I was BEGGING for the hospital it was that bad. I think I now know that when I start getting "tired" of Brandon, that's a pretty good sign that I'm about ready to just leave the flock and get crazy so somebody better just do something if you don't want me to lose it completely :) I, of course, really had no idea that any of this was happening, I just thought again that I wasn't really cut out for marriage and well, blah blah blah. It was my reality, so it was what I thought was the truth. The Good news is that we caught this one in time and I was totally able to avoid the hospital and carry on w life as normal. Actually better than normal because I'm feeling pretty good as of late. What really sucks? Is that I was on my medication and everything and this still all happened to me. I didn't think that could happen. And that's what's not fair. I'm a good girl, I do everything I'm supposed, take my cocktail of drugs and slam.Still happens to me. Really sucks. And my new intensive therapy to treat this? Freakin expensive! But, it does work.........I'd explain it to you, but my Psychiatrist still and I are still negotiating rates so I can't advertise it for him for FREE (UNLESS YOU CUT ME A DEAL!!!)    lol
I guess this is why I haven't written on here in awhile. I've had a love/hate relationship with my BP. Mostly hate. I still don't understand any of it. I 've been exhausting myself reading about how to "get rid" of it. And I know that I should just really give it up. But I don't. Because it scares me so much. BP is such an illness that absolutely controls me more than I control it. I don't care what anybody has to say, if you don't have BP please do not comment or quote scripture to me here. It just simply controls me. So I just work myself to death trying to figure out all its "tricks" and read about anything I might of missed, maybe I'm possessed by a demon? Anyone got tickets to the next supernatural healer in town?
Thank God things are good now. Exetremely happy, keeping busy which is CRUCIAL to my survival and continuing to look over my shoulder to see if I can catch a glance at the next "Bipolar-sode" coming to get me. Brandon says that Im always so negative....I say, I'm not negative, Im' just a realist. This is reality. You can't shade this baby with optimism. It doesn't come in that color.

ARM One Minute Video

A lovely bout of Spring blues

Spring is finally here, and with it I was imagining the winter "blues" to be gone and sheer happiness to be blooming in my heart. So I am shocked to even be admitting to you that I am feeling a depression bout coming on. It seems to have appeared out of nowhere really but the symptoms are all there, and so the battle begins. Over the last few days I've required far more sleep, I've been way more forgetful, way too tearful and far more agitated with my husband and children than necessary. And the guilt, oh the guilt! I don't even know what I am guilty of? I just feel bad and guilty! Which is a terrible condition to be in as a Christian because that is like Satan's playground. I've just laid fresh mulch and set up a swirly slide in my brain for Satan! Thankfully, for the last few months, I've had far more intimacy with Christ than I've ever had in my life. And whether this is THE STORM he has been preparing me for or not, I feel like I am equipped. And during my "peace time" when I was doing so well I did not take one thing for granted. I praised God for every little thing good and bad, I worshiped Him, I soaked up His word, I followed after Him as well as I knew how. And now is no different, its just a little more challenging when you have to battle so many deceiving thoughts. SO MANY deceiving thoughts. According to all of my Bipolar books I'm supposed to journal, go to the gym, get enough sleep, stay out of seclusion, blah blah blah. I'm doing that, but the medical books always fail to mention the greatest aid to depression. Jesus. Say his name, sing his songs, say his words, follow his ways. I have yet to call my Doctor and I probably won't do it for a time. I've called on my Healer, and He is blessing me. So remember when I said that being bipolar has its advantages, and that I hear songs racing through my head all the time? I even know for a fact that the Holy Spirit speaks to me through these songs, if I pay attention to them. And this morning, I did. I had just gotten out of the shower and just laid on the floor in my towel, completely unmotivated to get dressed. I just sat there, picking at the carpet listening to my "song" in my head. After I while I realized what it was:
"You are stronger, You are stronger,
Sin is broken you have saved me
It is written   Christ is risen
Jesus you are Lord of all"
(Hillsong)

And I thought, I AM stronger than THIS. And HE is stronger than THIS. Jesus, the power in that name alone, gives me great hope beyond what any anti-depressant can.

For my poor husband

So things have been going swimmingly. Except for one little area. For some reason I am so mean to Brandon. I don't know why, I can't quite pinpoint it. And maybe I'm exxagerating just a bit, I just feel like I've been so mean to him. I have the most wonderful patience and get such joy out of my children and anyone else I encounter, but when Brandon walks through the door its just not happenin' for him. I feel like getting out my Bipolar books and reading them again, because I"ve talked with my therapist and she says that anger is really just fear. So what am I afraid of? I can't figure it out? I know that I've been experiencing a lot more back pain lately and on pain meds. So throw that in please for my defense. But why am I so cold to the person that loves me the most? I don't get it? I don't think that it really has anything to do with fear. Logically I think that because he's closest to me I just don't NEED to be patient and super nice (put on a show) and so I don't. Is that it? That's terrible though, who wants to married to somebody who gets the leftovers? Brandon has a hard life with me, lets just put it at that. He's said over and over that when God talks to him, He says, "Just LOVE her." And now I know why. Because God knows why I'm so difficult with Brandon and God is gently reminding Brandon to just love her, just love her, just love her. Don't forget, she's being a total jerk head, just love her. I hate saying that I can't wait to go see my therapist again but really its the truth. She just has a way of figuring things out for me. She has all the smarts behind my idiotic ways of saying and doing things. And for Brandon's poor sake, I'd really like to resolve whatever underlying "issue" there is. He doesn't deserve this. He's been with me, through thick and thin. Manic and depressed. Healthy and sick. Fat and thin. Blond and brunette. When I was walking with God and when I was walking away from Him. It's so hard to figure yourself out. Its even harder when you have an "illness" that could possibly be the cause of why you do things. But I'm not giving up. I'm just working it out. And I am so grateful that I don't have to work it out alone. GOD has the all the love and patience for me even when I don't have any to offer myself.

Too Much?

I've got A LOT on my mind lately. I don't know if I try to keep myself busy because I just really enjoy doing things or if my busy brain just requires a constant feeding and forces me to continue to stir things up.Sometimes it all becomes a little overwhelming. Let me explain. My kids, are great. But having a ten year old is certainly a different experience and some of the changes in him are just so new to me that its sad knowing that he's getting older, and I can't hold on to his youth and now I'm panicking that I'm not being a good enough parent. So what did I do? I started emerging myself in parenting books and the bible and prayer. " I have to finish this book so I know what to do!" Oh, and I have a three year old that, honestly? That boy pushes my limits. I haven't found the right book for him yet. Then, its like I abruptly shifted the majority of my focus to Uganda. I have a project I'm doing over there and am in communication with some friends there and I've been very consumed with Uganda. Its soooo important to me.  Again. Its like I've hyper-focused! And to top it all off, I have a brother who just recently experienced some serious trouble in his life, to the point where I am daily praying for him. So, am I maybe just overstressed a bit? Maybe. Part of me loves this much activity, because I'm going from one thing to another and then back again and for the most part....I'm handling it well. The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle right? My brain just feels heavy! That's all! I think God also knows that I need "things' in my life. Things that will take my focus off of me. And that's what I have. So, always being in that mood to praise Him I now praise him for all of this that is consuming me. And with prayer I'm sure that it will not flatten my brain and that I will be able to take care of everything according to His Will.

What to write......

Once again, I've come to a spot where I feel like I have nothing to write about. And this is only because I am doing so well. I shouldn't assume that you all only want to read about the "good stuff". You know, the dirty details about when I"m going psycho. :) Or maybe I'm wrong. Guess we'll see. I can tell how many people read my posts, you know.... My husband suggested that I do write about how well I'm doing. So I got to thinking. I'm actually doing better than I have EVER been. On medication and all. That is NOT a complete sentence but who cares. I don't have to worry about what I'm going to wake up like tomorrow morning. I've really been level, and not blah level but happy level. I love love love it. When I was first diagnosed with Bipolar and was trying out the medications, I was blah level. And I thought, "Well, if this is as good as it gets, forget this!" And off on my own I went. Which luckily didn't effect my life too dramatically at first, but boy did it explode in my face later on. So when it was time to go back on the meds, I was reluctant. But wow! Not that the medication is like my happiness. Because its not. It is my glue. It keeps my cute little brain from going haywire and keeps my cute little body from leaving the country. My happiness comes from my more level-headed self being able to FOCUS again on what I know brings me joy. GOD.  God is my joy, and the more I just pour myself and my disorder into Him the healthier and happier I get. So. I am so so grateful that Dr. Awesome and I have found the right drug cocktail to give me my life back, and an even better life at that. I'm even more grateful that I have a Savior who gives me grace every single day. Which is why you catch me smiling so much :)

Comeback #1

If you've been wondering how I've been doing lately, let me fill you in. I've been feeling really fantastic. I'm not sure what my brief symptoms of depression were but they are gone. It is such a relief too. I really hate it when I'm not feeling right. Its just not me, and it bothers me to the core. So, what caused this amazing turn around? Well, I can tell you what I've done. I've been reading a lot. One book being the bible. And I think God has honored that obedience and kept me from sinking deeper into depression. I also have been getting a full 8 hours of sleep each night, which definately helps. And I haven't been giving into "the thoughts". You know, those thoughts that you sometimes get that seem to drag you down. Well, I have racing thoughts and when they are negative, my brain seems to take a nose dive. I also called my doctor and stayed in contact with him, let him know how I was feeling. He upped my anti-depressant. But I know its not the increase of drug that is causing this sudden change. Medication like that doesn't effect you over night. There actually are other ways of battling this disease without medication. Now, when I go see  Dr. Awesome this week I'm going to ask him to put me back on my regular dose. I think I jumped to the medication too quickly. I need to stop doing that.  I'm such a druggie :)  For now though, I'm happy to have my joy back.

Ahhhh....great.

So I've been noticing some changes lately. I haven't been wanting to really update my blog, which I always love doing. I've just felt a little unmotivated and uninspired to do it. That's not really like me. And then I've been noticing some other changes as well, some subtle others not so much. So....back to the books. I've done more research. I came across mood swings and triggers that can provoke an oncoming episode of depression. What interested me were these changes such as: Changes in sex drive -  CHECK.  Changes in energy level - Check.   Changes in alcohol use - Check (I'm actually on the band wagon right now....wish me luck).  Changes in Sleep patterns - CHECK  

So here I am reading all this, filling out my survey getting quite afraid. I can actually see what's happening to me before it happens. I'm getting depressed. I don't feel depressed yet. My body is acting depressed, how long before my mind follows????? THis freaks me out, because over the summer during the times that I did get depressed there were times when I would just cry and moan uncontrollably. And I felt unsafe driving my own car because I just wanted to ram in into oncoming traffic or drive myself down to the Psych hospital.

Needing some prayers, ya'll. I'm going to fight this tooth and nail. I'm equipped. I have God on my side, I have lots of tools that I never had before. I have a support group, I have a supportive husband, I'm on meds. But even being on meds, this can still happen. Just so ya'll know. I'm going to visit my doctor soon, maybe we can prevent a full on depression tornado from sweeping through here but either way, I'm just going to do what I know to do, think good thoughts, and take care of this all I can before it consumes me.
And later today, I'm going to the gym to see if I can kick its a#s.

Some Research

I've been thinking a lot lately about my condition and its status. What I mean is that here I am with this BP, and what am I supposed to do with it? I don't believe that anything that happens to us in life is an accident. Sickness, deaths, successess, failures.....God has this huge masterful plan that we can just never wrap our minds around. But I've been feeling a bit of relief lately by understanding a few facts about my disease. Obviously, I'm not the ONLY one suffering. They even have a support group at my church for BP disorder, how crazy is that? I am one of 5.7 million people who get to enjoy all that comes with BP. I've been doing some research. There are a lot of celebrities, that have this illness. I think that creativity and mental disorders tend to go hand in hand. Between our exetreme mood swings of mania to depression, our creativity just flows. Most the time, it goes no where. But, in others I think it helps sculpt success and huge contribution to our society. Those who have actually contributed: Vincent Van Gogh, Albert Einstein, Jane Pauley, Ben Stiller, Beethoven. And then there's me :) Oh well, I rest more easily knowing that BP disorder isn't just a destructive mental illness. Although I'd love to become the next worldwide embassador for Bipolar Awareness, that's not going to happen. So, I guess if I only just stay a 25 year old :)  housewife in Columbus, OH for the rest of my life, that's good enough for me.

Happy Birthday to Me

Okay, I give up. On downloading a video, that is. I've been trying for 4 stupid days. I hate technology. Well, my birthday was 4 days ago. And I shot a video about how just awesome, happy I am.  Well, I'm not going to post that video anymore. My awesome happiness has been slightly shattered. As my birthday rolled around this year, I realized that I have friends that can hang with the bipolar, and some that can't. For the friends that can't, it really saddens me. I don't mean to push anyone away, or disappear or have any other kind of weird behaviors. I don't even realize that I'm doing it. Sometimes, it takes all my effort to just get through the day without breaking down, and that steals my focus. Other times, like right now, I'm doing so well, that I'm playing catch up with my kids and my husband, literally. I lost like 4 or 5 months with them this summer while I was manic. I'm like a new person now and I just want to be around them  all the time. I guess I just don't know how to balance it all. I'm new at this. One thing for sure, weeks like this, I wish I never got sick. I'd certainly have more friends.
For the friends that have stuck with me and have forgiven me for A LOT, you are amazing souls. I cherish you deeply. I need you more than words can say. And I hope I never do anything to screw our friendship up ! :) I can be me, be bipolar, be whatever and not have to excuse myself for anything. I love you all.
So. Birthday week. Not so great. But at least I have a God that I can lean on, He'll never leave. If I lose everyone in the world, I'll always have Him, and THAT is what I learned this week.

New Years Resolution

I can't believe it is 2011 already. And I can't believe I actually made it through 2010. People with bipolar disorder have a 10-15% mortality rate. We tend to be highly suicidal. And trust me, it definately crossed my mind several times. All I can say is that God really does watch over me, and even though there were times that I really wanted to die, and was angry that I just couldn't, He kept me from harm, He knew my life here wasn't yet completed. That brings me to my New Years Resolution. I can look back at the last year and think of all the times that I prayed and prayed that God would just instantly heal me or get me out of trouble or make me feel good again. And although that never happened, He did stay with me He never let any true harm come to myself or my family for which I am truly grateful. So my New Years Resolution is to make God the center of my life (again). I used to have such a great relationship with Jesus. And then I became manic, and majorly sinned and thought that there was just no way that I could ever have that relationship back. Knowing now that that isn't true, I am trying  now to "get back" to where I was. Its hard because I feel different, like a changed woman. And I feel bad because of all the terrible things I did when I was sick. But I know about God's capacity to love and forgive and that's what keeps me going. And my 2nd New Years Resolution is to be a jogger, because I tend to hate jogging, but the first one is more important :)